Thirst for the Transcendental

Wednesday morning, 3 a.m.  I am awake, and with apologies to Paul Simon, I get it.  Once the dream ends reality begins and sleep retreats.  I carry burdens, I carry recurring wounds that should by now be mere memories of scars.  In my dreams I repeat the episodes when my essence was lacerated.  I bleed.  I ache.  I hunger.  I wish to re-write my life.  I wish to lay my burden down.  I wish there was someone who somehow could relieve me of the weight and wounds.  How wonderful it would be if there was a supernatural being who knew all things and to whom I could turn in my darkest hours.  A being that offered unconditional love.  A being that was always on my side.  A being to whom once I confessed and obsessed would relieve me of the stress.  Yes, I thirst for the transcendental. 

And I remained rapacious, unquenchable.  When I believed in such a supernatural being my thirst was not abated and I made excuses for a god that would not respond, would not offer me even a sip of the juice of peace.  It must be me, not him.  I must deserve this somehow.  It must be part of a plan to which I am not privy.  It must be for my own good.  There must be a lesson herein I have failed to grasp.  I forgave god, and the pain remained.

What happened to let go and let god?  What happened to come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest?  Really?  I called on such a being.  And yet it is Wednesday morning 3 am and I can find no rest, the burden continues to press.

Like lightning it hit me.  I was talking to a mythical being, a being that does not exist.  I was seeking answers from a childhood fairy tale.  No wonder the answers did not come.  No wonder the answers did not make sense.  No wonder I had to make excuses for the supernatural.  I was talking to an imaginary friend, an entity that man created and that does not exist and cannot answer questions.  By definition ethereal beings have no weight, much less would they be able to relieve me of my burdens.

And as I think more and more about this false entity I realize that if it existed it would be incredibly mean-spirited, unforgiving, and unresponsive.  An entity that would allow his own son to die is not likely to help me with my petty issues.  An entity that condemns us all because his first creations sought knowledge.  Really?  An entity that allows countless deaths without intervention.  An entity that refuses to reveal himself.  He is false.  He does not exist.  And sadly it occurs to me that those who rely on this entity are delusional.

Becoming an atheist has helped me grow up.  My issues are my issues and I can work them out.  I may need help and support from other humans, but I no longer languish in waiting for a mythical being to solve my problems or highlight my path.

It is hard to be an adult.  It is hard to let go of thirsting for the transcendental.  But my thirst is now quenched by reality.  And I am at peace.